Dear Mr N Foris,
I note you were seeking medical assistance for your bruised buttocks [and pride]. Whilst I regret my inability to provide care in triplicate [unfortunately there is only the one of me - please ignore the faint whispers of Thank God wafting over from the peanut gallery], and my Diploma is written in crayon on the back of a receipt for Cream Cakes, I assure you I am renowned for my exemplary tender, loving care. I am strict, but fair. Well, sometimes I’m fair - ok, mostly always strict, but for your own good, of course. I believe my accompanying picture, and others in circulation on the internet will attest to my professionalism and adherence to hygiene.
I provide my own rubber gloves, uniform, massage oil for aforementioned bruised buttocks
and shackles for the bed and any other medical implements necessary. I will have you up and about in no time. Your buttocks will rejoice at my ministrations.
Yours in utmost professionalism,